Letter From A Reader: The Fear of Disappointing My Parents…

Posted by & filed under Gen Y, Reader Letters, Step Through Fear.

 

A few days ago a letter popped up in my inbox from a 20 year-old reader from Australia. She’s given me permission to share her letter with you all. Got some advice? Please share in the discussion below! 

The Letter: 

Hi there! I am currently in my 2nd year at University studying education. I still have just over another 2 years of my course to go and I am not enjoying it nor do I think this is what I want to do in my life. For the last year I have been stressed out about continuing the study when at this moment it is just not for me. My parents have already made it clear that if I quit my course they will be disappointed.

My partner of 6 years is moving to the other side of Australia for the army. I cannot make up my mind whether to just give up my course, move to the other side of Australia with him and get a job until I work out what I really want to do in my life and disappoint my parents or stay and finish my course and continue to be miserable.

I have just read one of your blogs from August last year about the fear of disappointing our parents stopping us from living our lives and believe that I should do what will make me happy and at this time in my life that involves moving and disappointing my parents but at the same time I am worried I will regret the decision in years to come. Just wondering if you have any advice for me! Thank You!

My Take: 

I have two major questions for you to think about: 

If you were happy with your course of study, would it be as easy for you to leave and move with your bf?

 And the big question: Are you afraid that your parents will more disappointed because you are leaving school and moving with your boyfriend? How would their reaction be to that versus them reacting just to you leaving school?

School seems to be something that your parents are set on, but it’s not working out for you. If you continue on in a course you hate, what will happen once you graduate? You will be expected to get a job in education, and spend more years being miserable.  Why put yourself through that?

How about this: Approach your parents like the adult you are and tell them that you need to talk.  Tell them that you aren’t happy with your course of study (mentioning that you’ve already given this two years) and say that you would like to try out something different.

Say that you would like to work for a year to see if there is something you are more interested in, and that you are considering doing this exploration in a place that is a lot closer to your boyfriend.  Tell them that after one year, you will reevaluate and see if any changes need to be made. Ask them to respect the values that they have given you, and your decision to explore. If they still want to cry “disappointment” then you have my full permission to tell them that you are the one who is disappointed at their inability to reason with you, and think of your well being.

As for worrying about regret, ask yourself this: what will you regret more, not trying at all, or trying and failing (also known as learning)?

Anyone else have any input? 

And if you have any questions that you would like to hear my take on, I can always be reached at thefablifeproject@gmail.com 

 

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  • kimmywimmy

    Don’t follow the boyfriend!!  You don’t even know who you are yet!  You have lived in fear of disappointing your parents, and I am sure that has leaked to fear of disappointing your boyfriend, too.  Give yourself space from both your parents and your boyfriend and you will find out who you really are, and in turn what you want out of life.  Please trust me on this, I am 31, lived in fear of disappointing my parents, and am finally figuring out who I am.  Problem is, I’m married to someone that I married before I knew who I was, and am in nothing but misery.  He liked who I was when I was afraid to disappoint him, and he doesn’t like me now that I am allowing myself to be me.  I would leave him, but I can’t destroy my children’s family.  Please watch The Vow, and notice how she needed to separate from her family and her husband in order to find herself, because she literally did not know who she was.  The beauty part of the movie is, he let her go, she found her way back to him, and he welcomed her back when she was ready.  If your boyfriend loves you, he will understand your need to get to know yourself, and he will give you the space you need to do this.  If he refuses to give you space, let it be understood that you are in a worse position than you thought, and he likes having a girlfriend who is afraid to disappoint him.

    • amberjadams

      kimmywimmy  Kimmy, this is such powerful advice, and such a powerful story.  When it’s clear that the fear of disappointing everyone in our lives is stopping us from leading a full life, I agree, we should step back and take a minute to assess how we feel.  When you truly know who you are, you can give your all in a way that I think is really impossible to do before hand. 
      But sometimes we have to go through the fire, and learn on the other side. I’ve also seen that happen too. 
      Cheers to your wisdom, and to you living a life that is unabashedly you!

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  • http://widism.com/ Widism

    I wouln’t have said it better. Finding the path that will make you happy can be extremely difficult and sometimes really far from our relatives’ expectations. Though, it is worth it spending time figuring it out and struggling to design your ideal life!

    • amberjadams

      Widism I completely agree! I totally feel her pain, as any child (even grown kids!) want their parents to be happy with their decisions, but ultimately our parents have to learn to respect our choices and believe that they raised us to make good ones!