I first heard of Brene when I was perusing the TED site one day. Next she popped up on Oprah, still chatting about this vulnerability thing. I found out about her books and I put a hold on a copy of Daring Greatly  with my library.

I’m the 40th person to put in a request on one copy of the book.  Obviously I’m not the only person who’s ready to dare greatly by learning how I can be more vulnerable.

So, how can you be more vulnerable? The short answer is digging up the courage to do so.

That you have to figure out how to ignore the critics, become resilient , and get out there and fight your heart out.  The long, more complicated answer is that yes, courage is key, but you might have to wade through a bunch of your nasty life shit before you get there.

My next thought was how can I talk to you all about vulnerability without putting myself in a vulnerable position?  I attempted to write this post from a non-personal stance, but clearly that doesn’t work.  I’m going to dare greatly today. Hang with me.

From http://www.rabe.org/

So, here’s what I’m feeling vulnerable about today:  I’ve been caught up on the same guy for quite some time.  A long ass time, actually. 

Here’s more:

It was a relationship I was in to win, and one that I still can’t quite give up on. That’s me being vulnerable. In my head I picture all of my friends shaking their heads. Yes, it’s one of those situations. The kind that everyone says to walk away from.

Everyone except you, that is.

We have all of these sayings about there being plenty of fish in the sea, but there is no other fish like him. There is no other fish like anyone in our lives. Yes, we might be replaceable in the job arena, but there are some people that you meet who are just truly, truly one-of-a-kind, and that’s just it.

So, there is something in me that makes me want to fight for this. It’s not even that feeling that women tend to get (guys let me know if you have this too) where you think about all of the time you’ve invested in the relationship, and you decide to put in more to “make it work”

Does “making it work” even exist? 

Anywho, in the moments when vulnerability seems impossible, I just want to walk away. I want to turn my back on everything that has hurt me (including my own behavior) and pretend that this never happened. That I didn’t meet this guy. That he hadn’t stolen my heart, and that I never once had to contend very publicly with the knowledge that he just might leave me after all.

I’m a fighter. Even when my feelings are hurt, or when I’m totally down and out, it’s my anti-vulnerability style, or the effects of my feelings of shame that bring me out, full force, swinging. I’m literally fighting for my life in those moments.

He ducks. He guards. He rarely swings. He was already behind a wall when I met him, and the bricks have gotten higher.

I’m not sure there is space for me anymore. I’m not sure if he wants there to be space for me. I’m not sure I should fight for that space.  I saw this on Thought Catalog:

“There’s no sense in being with someone whom you can’t picture yourself happily with in the foreseeable future. Don’t get me wrong, fixing damaged relationships is great; but trying to glue back a thousand broken pieces while getting cut in the process is unhealthy.”

But then there was also this:

“Making yourself difficult to love. By being shut down and over-complicated, you create a seemingly impenetrable shirt, doused in cupid repellant. We all struggle in our own unique, disastrous ways — the key is to fix them. Making yourself available, approachable and open/honest will work wonders for your love life.”

And I read this quote the other day: “An optimist sees the opportunity in the danger. A pessimist sees the danger in the opportunity.”

I think he reads my blog from time-to-time. Usually when I send him here.

On the off chance that he might be reading today…well, I just want you to know that I love you.

I’ll end this journey inside my head by saying you all should read this book. Seriously.

I hope you have the courage to do something that takes a bit of vulnerability today. And of course let me know what’s on your mind in the comments.

 Peace.

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My face flushed, and I giggled nervously as I tried to plot my escape.

This isn’t some kind of intro to a work of fiction, this was seriously my life yesterday.

I was sitting in the back of the room, so leaving  wouldn’t just be extremely noticeable, it wouldn’t be that easy. I’d have to climb over people to escape, people, who I assumed, wanted to see me drop trou.

I fidgeted nervously in my seat.  My eyes widened when the speaker started to talk about finding your “OM” orgasm, and how the person in the role of “Stroker” would learn the technique then practice it for 30 seconds.

I began to sweat.

“What the hell have I gotten myself into?”

Around 7 p.m. yesterday, I made a last-minute decision to attend a Meetup group, Women Inspiring Other Women. The event was billed as a night of games and talking about topics that we don’t normally feel comfortable talking about out loud which sounded like a fun challenge to me.

I was picturing a group of women sitting in a circle, spilling all of our secrets. I was prepared to dish about the details of my latest breakup.

I was NOT prepared to take off my clothes, and thank God I didn’t have to.

It turns out that the two ladies leading the program actually do offer a class on orgasmic meditation, but they do that on Saturdays. This was a regular, Wednesday game night. The stripping was more of the “soul baring” variety, but  by the end of it, I felt just as naked.

The games we played were designed to “turn us on” but not sexually. It was more about connecting with who we really are, and how we really feel about ourselves. Here’s the description from their site:

At OneTaste, we believe TurnON is the ignition that leads to a more of what we really want in life. It is the first step to knowing what’s possible. And, it comes when we get real about the powerful stuff of relationships, Orgasm, intimacy, desire, etc.

So, we started an evening event designed specifically to give people the opportunity to feel TurnON in themselves. It’s an evening where, through only talking, we begin to experience these exhilarating, energizing, often ignored feelings — referred to as TurnON. A room of people (cool, fun people) engage in honest, humorous, playful conversation around topics we mostly only consider having in our head.

Let The Games Begin

We played three rounds of Mad Libs, one of which instructed us to say the most vulnerable thing we were willing to tell the group in that moment, and a “Hot Seat” round in which a person volunteered to sit at the front of the room, and answer any question that was thrown at them.

It was amazing.  It was uncomfortable. It was powerful.

I was unnerved by the number of people in the room who said they felt unloved.

People who admitted that they push significant others away in order to guard themselves.

A man who said out loud to a room full of people that he hadn’t had sex in a decade.

And one guy who said he’d recently thought of suicide.

At the end, we did a round where we got to tell anyone in the room a judgement that we had about them.  It could be positive “I think you are sexy” or negative “ You smell weird.” Either way, our only response could  be “Thank you” and after the round we were to let it go and not bring it up again.

One of the group leaders pointed at me, the girl in the back who had initially wanted to run, and she said: “Amber, I want you to know that you are more powerful than you realize.”

Thank you.

********************

Your judgements comments are welcome. I promise I’ll say thank you!

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And usually the start is a bit bumpy, rough, and straight-up busted.

And we always hear that one day we will look back, laugh, and say dang, that was rough!

But we’ll be proud that we did it, pushed ourselves, made it happen, even if the manifestation doesn’t exactly look like the dream…yet.

So, I’m starting this new thing. An “insights/advice” channel on YouTube. I’ll be answering questions from you all about career stuff, life stuff, blogging, relationships, ect.

I frequently get questions from ya’ll and I’ve profiled a few in blog posts, but I love the idea of taking the show on the road to YouTube.

There’s only one thing holding me back: a smidgen of fear.

This will be putting myself out there in a way that I haven’t really done until now.

But eff fear.

I’m Amber J., and I’ll be taking your questions now.

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