I wrote this at 5 something in the morning. Not because I can’t sleep. Please, believe me when I say I CAN sleep. But because if I’m not up writing now, then writing doesn’t get done. And when writing doesn’t get done, I don’t feel good. And the sleep that I am so obsessed with getting? It becomes tainted with the anxiousness of thoughts of what I could be doing with the precious minutes gone by.
A few months ago I wrote about battling the burnout that many creative entrepreneurs experience, and while I feel that I am on the other side of the hump of that struggle, the battle I face now leaves me just as tired.
It is the battle between balancing the duties of my real life, and trying to create all of the things that feed my ambitious soul.
Am I the only person who gets weary when trying to decide to write a post, or go shopping for the week’s groceries?
Am I the only creative who wants to run and hide from the intense focus and discipline that it takes to produce things?
Am I the only person who wishes that I had more time to allow my mind to wander freely? Who feels icky when I’m stretching for words, but completely at a lost when trying to find time to meet with people that inspire me to keep writing?
There are some days when honestly, creation seems like this big sacrifice that I never wanted it to be. I have trouble believing that I can truly ‘create’ when it feels as if the product has to be so intentional because I only have 15 minutes to spare. Where is my time to explore, to learn, to discover?
When do I get to play?
I’ve always been a day dreamer. I was the kid who looked out the windows during class, and imagined a life elsewhere. I’m the one who can look at something on the street that appears to be trash, and imagine a new use for it. If you’re into horoscopes, I’m a Pisces, and I stay in my head.
But these notions and these thoughts, do not, have never, and will never, mix with the sense of ambition that drives me to reach for more in my life.
We often hear that the dreamers in our society will stay hungry, while those that are more action-oriented will always be on a never ending treadmill towards something, anything other than what they see now. Moving fast to acquire, yet never slowing down to appreciate what they already have.
I am somewhere between the two. Trapped between my notions of a right to daydream and wander, and a deep desire to plan out every moment of my day, so that I don’t miss a minute.
There are times when I stare at the clock, and beg it to stop, to freeze time, to let me squeeze a few more minutes out of the day. There are moments when I feel guilty, because I think I am neglecting the people I care about, and moments when I feel guilty because I want to will them to stop speaking, to leave me be so that I can get back to checking things off of my “to-do” list.
I’ve read damn near every article and (many, many) books on trying to find work life balance, and I finally have the guts to say it:
“Work life balance is an effing myth.”
For balance to happen, two things have to be equal on the scale. They have to add up to the perfect measure, and one cannot shadow the other.
In life, that rarely happens. There will always be more times when you have to sacrifice one thing, for something potentially awesome. There will always be moments when the pursuit of that awesome thing drives you to tears and guilt.
There is no balance, but there are plenty of choices and decisions.
To get my nails done, or write.
To cook, or work on a book.
To hang out with friends for that extra hour, or go home and catch up on work.
Question: Do you think it’s possible to have balance in life?
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