Starting Over Without Shame

There is only one way that I can really write about “starting over” without feeling as if I am full of shit.

I have to be willing to tell you a secret that I’ve been holding on to for years.

So, here we go *deep breath*

I spent the end of 2013 and the majority of 2014 working as a receptionist at a camera rental company. It was an honest job. It didn’t pay too much, but I had benefits, many of my coworkers were really nice, but most of the days that I was there, I felt like a failure.

Up until that point, my career had followed a pretty steady path. I’d graduated from college with honors, and yes, during the recession I worked quite a few “struggle” jobs, but it wasn’t too long before I was working at prestigious companies that had the level of influence and regard that I sought as a twenty-something who had moved to the big city from my hometown in Tennessee.

But, somewhere around 2012, I hit a snag. I was finally admitting to myself that all of the glitz and glamour of working in the magazine industry couldn’t hide the fact that I had serious reservations about the impact I felt this type of media had on young women.

When I was in the industry, no one was talking about “body positivity” or “lack of representation” and frankly, being in these spaces was taking a mental toll on me.

I decided to try something new, but I wasn’t sure what that looked like. After a few false starts, and some crazy job incidents that I probably won’t reveal until I’ve got a book deal (hey, a girl can dream!), I ended up on a temp job as a receptionist that was offered to me as a permanent position.

That day I called one of my best friends to consult. He knew how much of a hard time I had been having, and he hit me with this line: “Amber, winter is coming.” Yep, that’s right. He quoted Game of Thrones, and he was right. Winter WAS coming, and the thought of having to spend the nasty New York winter looking for a job did not appeal to me.

I reluctantly accepted the role, and sat down to eat a big ass slice of humble pie.

Now, I want to make it really clear that I have respect for anyone who might not be in a job that is seen as “high class” but still does their job with dignity. In fact, I think that experience gave me a lot of perspective about how your career shouldn’t be the totality of your identity, but at the time, I felt like I was letting myself down. I was not where I wanted to be. Eventually, I had to gather myself because I had a choice to make: I could let my feelings drive me forward, or I could let them keep me stuck and sad.

Me starting over, and taking the time to think about what I wanted to do next wasn’t a cute story. It was messy and frustrating. It was hard, and it was years before I learned to deal with the shame I felt around this time in my life.

It also took time for me to process what I could learn from the situation, but here are three things I’d love to share with y’all today:

Free your mind (and yes, the rest will follow)

How do you describe “starting over” when you are processing your inner thoughts or when you speak to other people? Wording is Important.

It is so easy to fall into this trap of negative self talk, which is counter productive. If you are mentally beating yourself up for “getting off track” or for “falling off again” how are you really helping or encouraging yourself to move forward without a sense of empathy for yourself?

Honestly, adjusting how I spoke to myself was one of the hardest things I had to do.

I found that clearing my mind of all of the preconceived notions it built up was what I needed to give myself some space.

We all fall down, but girl, you gotta get back up

One of my favorite songs on Cardi B’s “Invasion of Privacy” is “Get Up 10”. The whole track is a banger, but I love the chorus:

Man, I said we gon’ win
Knock me down nine times but I get up ten
Look myself in the mirror, I say we gon’ win
Knock me down nine times but I get up ten

We’re all going to take a tumble at some point in life that will lead to us needing to start over, but the fact that you are daring to get up again and show up for yourself is what matters.

We’re all starting again in some way. It’s hard, but you’ve got to let the negative energy go. You need that momentum to get up and get going.

Allow Yourself To Grow In Between Times

Working in reception offered me a lot of time to reflect. Once I was able to get beyond my initial feelings, I dared myself to just sit with it all. Every opportunity you have to start over will not be picture-perfect. And when you’re going through it, it can seem like you won’t come out on the other side.

I had to learn how to be patient with myself and the process I needed to take, I learned that I am not my job, and that I am still worthy regardless of the situation that I am in, and that I am capable of being resilient.

As I was sifting through my ideas for this post, I came across this line: “I recognized then as I recognize now, we start over many, many times during our lives. We begin anew again and again.”

How about that?

The chance to start over many, many times along the way. I wish for you the chance to do so freely, without shame or fear.

I hope you’ve found this helpful, and that I’ve got you thinking, lady.

Next Step: What’s something that you want to start over on? How have you dealt with starting over? I’d love to know! Holla at me in the comments!